Catch Me
by ShatteredHeart15
Summary: Admitting it was one thing but actually facing that it happened was another. Amanda is on a downward spiral and is on the verge of taking her own life. Can anyone save her? Who will be there to catch her when she falls? **Trigger Warning: Self-Harm and Eating Disorder** Co-written with WritingForMySoul12Be sure to check out some of her stories they are really good.
1. Chapter 1

It had been a week since Amanda admitted to being raped and the whole squad finding out. She could barely function through the day and every case was triggering her. She couldn't take it and needed time off. She got up from her desk and walked it to Olivia's office. "Sargent, can I come in, I need to talk." Liv looked up. She seen another side of Amanda she had never seen. She looked run down, pale, and barely with it. "Sure Amanda, come in." Amanda walked in and sat in the chair on the other side of Olivia's desk. "I need time off, please. I don't want to get into everything or talk about it, but I need time off, I need to be able to really deal with this." She lied through her teeth she had no reality of actually wanting to even face it or actually seeing a therapist. She was dealing with it her own way. "Amanda I can give you time but I want to give you the card to my therapist, please call him after you leave." Amanda looked up and slightly smiled. "Promise." Truth was she was only going to throw the card away. There was no way in hell she would actually make an appointment to go talk to him.

After she finished talking to Olivia, Amanda made her way out of her office and out the doors to head home. She didn't want to see anyone nor talk to them. Not even on the phone. She walked out to her car and lit a cigarette. She took a deep inhale and let it out. She finally felt a little calm but the release just wasn't enough. She wanted to stop by the drug store and by a pack of razors. Amanda felt like she had to have more. She started up the car and headed out to the nearest Walgreens.

She headed right into the store when she got there and went for the isle where they kept the straight razors. She went and checked and felt some sort of relief just having them in her hand. When she got out to her car her stomach started to rumble. She seen several different fast food chains down the road.

She was going to get relief no matter what it took even if it meant destructing her own body.

She pulled up to the Taco Bell drive thru.  
"May I take your order?"  
"Yes, I'd like to have two cheesy gordita crunch's, two shredded chicken burritos, two loaded potato grillers, cheesy nachos and a crunch wrap with no tomatoes." Amanda said.  
"Ok, your total is $17.31 at the second window."  
Amanda pulls up to the window and hands the girl a $20. She gets her food and heads straight home. The smells from her bag of food almost make her want to pull over and devour it all. Once she gets home, she sits her bag of food and the new package of razors on the counter. She knows it's going to be a long night. But she can't help but feel slightly excited. She knows Nick won't be coming over, so she has the whole night to binge, purge and cut until she is ready to pass out. She lets Frannie in and gives her a treat. Then she grabs her bag of food, flicks the TV on and sits on the couch. She eats her cheesy nachos, both of her loaded potato grillers and she's full. She grabs a large cup and heads for her bathroom. She fills the cup up with water and drinks it all. Then she bends over her toilet, presses on her stomach and watches the food flow out of her. She fills her cup up again and purges until she sees bile. She feels empty, free and high from the endorphins. She walks into the kitchen and grabs the new pack of razors she got. She opens it and pulls one out. She slips out of her pants and starts cutting up her thigh like a Virginia ham. Finally! The release she had been looking for. But she isn't finished yet. She eats the rest of her food and purges again. She rinses herself out with water twice until she dry heaves and then she heads into the kitchen to raid her cabinets and fridge.

This was going to be a long night. She wanted her life to come to an end. She didn't see a point of living. She didn't really have any family and she was a humiliation to the entire precinct. Why would they want her? She was damaged. She binged and purged until she couldn't move anymore. She stripped her clothes off and pulled out her scale. '105' she smiled to herself. She was dropping weight rapidly and she didn't care. She turned on the shower as hot as it would go. She looked to her phone to turn on music and seen several missed calls and texts from everyone at the precinct. They were to check in with her. It slightly pissed her off because it was like they didn't quite understand English that she wanted to be left alone. She turned it on and blared the music as loud as it would go. The hot water pounded against her frail white skin turning it cherry red. She began to cry. Is this what her life would really become? She wished and hoped that maybe that night her heart would stop. That her eating disorder would finally cause her heart to give out, after all no one would miss her. She wasn't worth loving. Nick made that very clear. He walked out of her life without a single care in the world. Her body began to shake. Thought of Patton began to flood her mind. He had pinned her wrist above her head and those words her told her had impounded into her head 'You know I don't take No for an answer'. She dropped to the ground in the tub. She pulled her knees up to her chest. Her music was loud she couldn't even hear someone knocking on her door.

Olivia reached for the keys under Amanda's doormat and let herself in this wasn't like her to not answer her phone.

Olivia heard Amanda's music in the hall. She thought about turning around and leaving but she needed to make sure Amanda was ok. So, she waited. She sent a text to let Amanda know she was in her living room so she wouldn't startle her.

Amanda cut up her thigh some more and let the water turn ice cold before forcing herself out of the shower. She cleaned and bandaged her cuts and slipped into a long tee shirt and some panties. After drying her hair, she finally looked at her phone and saw a new text from Olivia.  
"What does she mean she's here?" She mumbled to herself as she left the bathroom. She walked into her living room and saw her boss sitting on her couch. 'Oh, that's what she meant.' She thought to herself. She forced a smile on her face and sat on the other, farthest end of the couch. "Hey, Sargent. To what do I owe you breaking and entering?" She asked jokingly.  
"I was worried about you." Olivia said.

"There's no need ok." Amanda raised her arm and the long sleeve came down as Olivia looked over. 'Shit' Amanda thought. "I think it's time for you to go home, obviously I am fine. Do I need to show you to the door, oh wait I forgot you broke and entered into my house so you shouldn't need help finding your way out? I'm tired. Please go." Olivia wasn't ready to give up that easy thought after seeing what she did.

"How are you really doing?" Olivia asked.  
Amanda sighed and rolled her eyes, "I'm as well as can be expected. Look, I'm really tired. Please let yourself out." She got up and walked straight into her bedroom. She closed and locked the door behind her.

Olivia was lost for words. She could hear Amanda screaming and crying. One of her own needed to be save but she wasn't sure how. She wanted to intervene. She had seen the sign several times before. Something had to happen before Amanda took her own life.


	2. Chapter 2

" _ **My hands are cold, my body's numb  
I'm still in shock, what have you done?  
My head is pounding, my vision's blurred  
Your mouth is moving, I don't hear a word**_

 ** _And I hurt so bad, that I search my skin_**  
 ** _For the entry point, where love went in_**  
 ** _And ricocheted and bounced around_**  
 ** _And left a hole when you walked out, yeah_**

 ** _I'm falling through the doors of the emergency room_**  
 ** _Can anybody help me with these exit wounds?_**  
 ** _I don't know how much more love this heart can lose_**  
 ** _And I'm dying, dying from these exit wounds!"_**

 _ **The Script-Exit Wounds**_

In the middle of the night Amanda woke up drenched in sweat. She could barely catch her breath. She seen him again. On top of her those words that are now imprinted and burned into her brain 'you know I don't take no for an answer.' Her breathe was severely uneasy. She tried to bring herself back. She immediately reached her hand over to her night stand and flipped the light on. Searching to her left and to right to make she Patton was nowhere in sight. She got out of bed and went straight for the restroom to reach for the razors. She wanted to make the voices stop. She didn't want to hear him anymore. She reached for her cell phone and texted Olivia without thinking. "Thank you for the chance you gave me, goodbye" She sent it and pulled her razor out and began to slice at her leg so easily like it was butter. Blood began to seep and fall to the floor. She became in a daze and was able to even her breathing. She was tempted to just do it. Take her life. Make it all stop.

Meanwhile Olivia heard her phone go off. She always left it on full volume. She peered at the text half asleep but immediately became wide awake after what she read.

Olivia didn't even think about what she was doing. She threw on some clothes, hopped in her car and sped to Amanda's house. A typical 20 minute trip took her 10. She hopped out of the car, barely remembering to shut the engine off and close the door and raced up the steps on Amanda's porch. She heard Frannie start to bark wildly inside. "It's ok Frannie, you know me, it's Olivia." She said. She began frantically searching around for Amanda's hide-a-key. Frannie began to whine and paw at the door. "I'm coming, I'm coming." She said. If it hadn't been the middle of the night, she would have laughed at herself for talking to a dog. Olivia grew frustrated looking for the key and just decided to break the door down. She busted the door open, damaging the part where the door and door frame meet and rushed inside. "Amanda?! Amanda?!" She called. She headed straight for Amanda's bedroom and walked right in. She opened Amanda's bathroom door and gasped at what she saw. Amanda was just sitting there in a pool of her own blood. She knelt down beside her and checked her pulse. "I should have never left you alone." She said out loud. She pulled out her phone once she found Amanda's weakened pulse and called it in.

"Amanda honey please stay with me." Olivia wrapped Amanda up in her arms praying that god wouldn't take her away. She heard the EMT's busting through the door just then. "Please help her" Olivia cried out. The medics went to work right away on her to get her hook up to an IV and oxygen. They checked her pulse, it was barely there. "Mam we have to get going, she stable but if we don't get a move on we are going to lose her. She has lost a lot of blood." The EMT's rushed out the door after they got her up on a gurney. Olivia followed quickly behind them. She had tears falling down her face. She hoped it wasn't too late.

The ambulance rushed down the highway with their sirens blaring. When they got to the hospital they rushed Amanda in. "What do we have?" The EMT quickly spoke up. "Female in her 30's, self-inflicted cuts to deep, she has lost a lot of blood, her pulse is very weak, we got her stable enough to get her here." The doctors took her to the back immediately to begin to work on her. Olivia fell to the ground by the doors. She blamed herself if only she had just stayed there.

A nurse ran over to Olivia and knelt down beside her, "Ma'am are you alright? Do you need a Doctor?"  
"N-no I-I-I'm fine." Olivia chocked out through her tears and labored breathes.  
"Can I get you anything?" The nurse asked.  
"I need to know how Amanda Rollins is doing, please." Olivia asked desperately. The tears continued to flow down her cheeks but she was more pulled together.  
"I'll go see what I can find out." The nurse said.  
"Thank you." Olivia said.  
The nurse took off and disappeared behind the restricted area doors and Olivia slowly made her way to the waiting room. She just kept blaming herself. She had seen Amanda becoming more and more unglued at work and when she had seen the woman earlier she could tell that she was about to fly off the rails. She should have stayed. Even if it meant fighting with Amanda. At least she wouldn't be fighting for her life. She couldn't help but think 'What if she doesn't make it?' She promised herself that if Amanda made it, she would be with her every step of the way because the woman meant that much to her. Deep down Olivia even loved her.

When the doctor came back he walked over to Olivia. "She is in ICU, she had to have 2 blood transfusions. She is very weak and her levels where extremely low. The next 48 hours is critical. You can come with me if you would like to see her." Olivia nodded and followed the doctor. When she came up the window she peered into Amanda, her heart broke at the sight of all the tubes, wired, and IV lines. Olivia felt the sting of a tear fall down her face. Before she could make a move through the door. Amanda's machines started to go off. She was flat lining. Before she knew nurses where flying past her along with doctors. 'This was it', she thought, she was going to loose her and she blamed herself.

 **A/N: Will Amanda make it? We have a lot in store for this story. REVIEWS :)  
**


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N: Song used in this chapter was written for the non-profit To Write Love on Her Arms, which is an amazing organization. If you have never checked out their website please do so especially if you are struggling with a Mental Illness (It's nothing to be ashamed of, I do), self-harm, suicidal thoughts, an eating disorder. Please reach out for help and please know that you are not alone.**_

 _ **Sit back, you're not so different. Drop the gun, don't hurt anyone. I know the pain inside, just look into my eyes. Cry. It's just you and I, We've got through everything and everything's alright. Look into my eyes, don't say goodbye. I'll be your friend, turn the lights off baby, think again. Don't say goodbye, I'll be your friend. I'll keep on saving you over and over again.**_

Olivia stood by the glass. She watched as they grabbed the paddles to try and get rhythm back to her heart. Everything before her was falling apart. How could she have missed this? Why didn't she say something sooner? These questions rattled her brain. She looked up at the heart monitor and seen they got a beat and watch as they quickly intubated her. She looked up to the ceiling 'Please god be with her and wrap your arms around her. Please let her know she is loved and cared about. Please help her make it through this and help her battle. Amen.' After the doctor was done he came out to talk to Olivia. "Detective Benson the next 48 hours will be severely critical. There's no saying what could happen. She is stable for now and we are going to run her labs. Her heart is very weak. She was covered in scars and fresh cuts. She has lost a lot of blood. If and when she pulls through this she is going to need a lot of support and help." Olivia nodded. She really didn't know what to say. She was just grateful the doctor was able to bring her back even if her life was dangling by a thread at this very moment. "Can I go in and see her." The doctor turned to Olivia. "Yes you can, she can hear you still. Just be here for her. Through my many years of practice patients have a better survival rate if they have love and support around them when they are in this condition and so critical. She will be in the ICU for a while until she is stable enough and able to breathe on her own." Olivia nodded as tear streaked down her face and mascara began to run and stain her soft olive complexion skin. She walked through the door and seen just how lifeless Amanda was. She barely recognized her. This was not the same woman she once knew.

She sat next her bed and grabbed her hand. She started to talk to her and pour her heart out. "Amanda please don't leave me. You can't die. I am so sorry I didn't see this. All the signs were there. I should have said something, done something. I feel so terrible. I love you Amanda." She circled her thumb in soothing circles on her hand. She looked up to Amanda and tears began to fall. She cried harder than she had for anyone since her own mother passed away. "Amanda baby please don't die. I promise you we will get through this. I am here for you and I am not going anywhere. I will be your rock. Nothing bad will happen ever again to you." Olivia wanted more than anything for Amanda to pull though. She wanted to curl up next to her on the hospital bed. She wanted to cradle and comfort the woman she had started to fall for. Just then she heard a knock on the door. It was the nurse doing round and checked Amanda's vital and looked up to the heart monitor and wrote everything down. "Mam would you like me to bring a cot in here for you to sleep on tonight." Olivia looked over to the nurse. "That would be great, thank you so much.' The nurse walked about and Olivia turned back to Amanda. She was never going to let her down again.

 _ **Tonight could change your life and tonight I'll be here my friend. I'll keep on saving you over and over again. Tonight could change your life and tonight I'll be here my friend. I'll keep saving you over and over.**_ _**Sit back, you're not so different. Drop the gun, don't hurt anyone. I know the pain inside, just look into my eyes. Cry. It's just you and I, We've got through everything, and everything's alright. Look into my eyes, don't say goodbye.**_

Olivia settled in to the chair next to Amanda's bed. Never once letting go of her hand. She continued to silently pray for Amanda and the strength to be the support she would need to recover. She kept vigil all night and didn't sleep a wink. When the morning nurse came in to make her rounds and check Amanda's vitals, Olivia decided to step out to stretch her legs and get a cup of coffee. She knew it was going to be a long day since she didn't get any sleep.

She walked around the parking lot. She couldn't get her mind to stop racing. She wanted for Amanda to make. She had to make it for without her she would be lost.

 _ **I'll be your friend, turn the lights off baby, think again. Don't say goodbye, I'll be your friend. I'll keep on saving you over and over again. You've got nothing to die for, so live it up. You've got nothing to cry for, forget it all. You've got nothing to die for, so live it up. You've got nothing to cry for, forget it all. Tonight could change your life and-tonight I'll be here my friend. I'll keep on saving you over and over again. Tonight could change your life and-tonight I'll be here my friend. I'll keep saving you over and over.**_

 _ **A/N: Again if you feel like you are alone please know that you are not. There are several resources out there. There is hope and light at the end of the tunnel.**_


	4. Chapter 4

Olivia was sipping on her cup of coffee, heading back to Amanda's room when she was stopped by a nurse.

"Ma'am you can't go in there right now."

Olivia's heart dropped ten stories. Her cup of coffee fell out of her hand. "She's not dead!" She started trying to push past the nurse.

"No, she's not dead but the Doctor is in there with her." The nurse said.

Olivia placed a hand over her chest and took a few deep breathes. She was trying to calm herself down. "Why didn't you say so?" She asked with a laugh. "I almost had a heart attack!"

"I'm sorry." The nurse said with a smile. "Are you Olivia?" She asked.

"Yes." Olivia said.

"When the Doctor is finished with her you may go in there. She was asking for you when she came to." The nurse said.

Olivia nodded and stood impatiently outside the door. She was thinking about everything she wanted to say to Amanda. She didn't want to come down too hard on her.

When the door finally opened and the Doctor left, Olivia walked in and closed the door behind her.

"Hey." Olivia said.

"Hey." Amanda said. She cleared her throat.

Olivia walked over to the chair beside the bed and sat down. "I think we need to talk."

Amanda really didn't know what she was going to say but she knew Olivia was right. All she could do was nod. "Why don't we start from the beginning..." Olivia started off first. "Like what?" Amanda replied. "Like, why didn't you come to me Amanda?" Amanda let out a small tear. "I didn't think I was worth saving. I am so worthless, disgusting, gross, and fat. He took everything from me. There's nothing left. Amanda is gone." Olivia's heart broke. "Amanda you are none of those thing. I see an amazing detective who is passionate about her job. Who is passionate about helping victims find justice. You're amazing and..." Amanda cut her off. "DONT" "Don't what?" "Don't say things about me that are not true. I am just one big screw up. I couldn't even get killing myself correctly." Olivia was on the brink of tears but wanted to stay strong for Amanda. She didn't want her to see her breaking down. "Amanda, you are still here for a reason. It's not your time. We are going to get you help. I am never going anywhere. I will always be here for you." Amanda knew she was right. She wasn't going to leave her. "But what if I just can't get better. I can't." "Amanda why do you think you can't get better." "Because I am not worth it." Before they could continue their conversation a counselor came in to do an evaluation on Amanda. "Hi my name is Elizabeth Taylor, I am a counselor here on staff to do evaluations, I am here to talk to you." Amanda just nodded. She really didn't want to talk to her but really didn't have the strength to fight her. Olivia looked over the counselor, "Do you need me to step out?" But before Ms. Taylor could respond Amanda spoke up. "No, Olivia please don't leave me." "I am not going anywhere."

The counselor nodded and turned her focus back to Amanda. She flipped through her chart and made a few notes. "So, it says here that you were trying to kill yourself, is that correct?"

Amanda nodded.

"Did you plan this?" Elizabeth asked.

"I didn't write a note or anything. I just made the decision and followed through with it." Amanda said softly.

"Would you tell me why you decided to kill yourself?" Elizabeth asked.

"I couldn't live with a secret I thought was buried anymore..." Amanda said.

"Is this the first time you tried to kill yourself?" Elizabeth asked.

"Yes." Amanda said.

"Why did you decide to slit your wrists?" Elizabeth asked.

"Because I was already cutting myself and I thought why not cut deeper." Amanda said.

Elizabeth wrote some more notes in Amanda's chart. She looked over at Amanda. "You're the one who found her?" She asked. "You're her...partner?"

Amanda's eyes went wide and she turned bright red. There was no way Olivia would ever look at her like that. Especially not now. Not after she discovered how much of a screw up she was.

"We're not...I mean...we don't...um...we work together. But yes I'm the one who found her." Olivia stuttered awkwardly.

Elizabeth just nodded and turned back to Amanda. "Do you have any family to come stay with you when you get released?" She asked.

Amanda shook her head. "I don't have anyone." She said sadly.

"She can stay with me." Olivia blurted out.

Elizabeth nodded and wrote it down in Amanda's file. She looked back up at Amanda, "How long have you had an eating disorder?" Amanda's face went red. She couldn't even look up at Olivia. She was caught. "How did you even know?" Elizabeth looked between Amanda and Olivia. "Amanda you very underweight and you labs where not in the best shape. Your levels are very low and your body could give out again at any moment." Amanda really didn't have much to say just that she didn't really care. "Listen I am just going to be real blunt here, I really don't give a shit if I die or not sweetie, I really don't want to talk anymore, I am pretty sure we are going to have several more sessions, can you please go..." Elizabeth knew in her past working that pushing someone to hard could break them and make them crash even harder. Amanda was already at rock bottom and she needed to find her strength because the only way out right now is up.

Elizabeth turned around before walking out "Amanda a dietician will be in here next and with your lunch." Amanda instantly froze. "Don't bother I am not going to eat it nor do I want to talk to another person." Elizabeth wrote down on the paper. She could tell she has an immense fear of food. "That's fine if you don't eat soon I will talk to the doctor about ordering a feeding tube. The dietician will be in regardless if you talk or not. I have to go for now but we will have another session same time tomorrow and I will be recommending you stay for a week to be monitored or longer depending on how you are in 7 days. See you later Amanda." Elizabeth's walked out and Amanda was left there with her jaw dropped. She was screwed and couldn't talk herself out of this one even if she tried.

The dietician came with Amanda's lunch and sat it on the tray next to Amanda's bed. "Hi, I'm Jill Collins. I'll be your dietician. I'll be sitting with you through all your meals."

"Great you brought me food to fatten me up like a prize piggy at the state fair! How sweet of you!" Amanda said. She was in an extremely foul mood. She refused to eat anything or even touch a morsel of food on her tray. And after not so sweetly telling the dietician to get lost, she was alone in her room with Olivia.

"Are you ever going to make eye contact with me again?" Olivia asked. She was trying to lighten the mood. She could feel the embarrassment rolling off Amanda in waves.

"Liv...could you maybe go now? Please?" Amanda asked.

"Amanda...please don't push me away." Olivia said tiredly.

Amanda was having a range of emotions, anger was the one she chose to unleash. "IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU I WOULD BE HAPPILY DEAD BY NOW! YOU RUINED EVERYTHING! WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST LET ME DIE?!" Her fists were twisted in the itchy hospital blanket.

Olivia frowned and sighed. She knew it was a common reaction for someone suicidal to be angry their attempt was not successful. It broke her heart to finally see how much pain Amanda was in. "Amanda, I know that you're upset right now but I'm not going to apologize for saving you. And I would do it again."

"YOU'RE AVOIDING WHY YOU SAVED ME IN THE FIRST PLACE! I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO SAVE ME!" Amanda shouted.

"I saved you because you deserved to be saved! Whether you think so or not! I saved you because I wouldn't be able to live with myself it I had just let you die!" Olivia shot back.

"Oh so you saved me for your own selfish reasons then?! How sweet! Thank you so much! Now you don't have to live with a guilty conscience!" Amanda snapped.

Olivia opened her mouth, ready to give in to Amanda's argument but she stopped herself. She closed her mouth and picked up her purse. "Look, I'm going to go. I'll stop by and feed Frannie for you. I'll be back tomorrow." She said softly.

Amanda turned away from her and crossed her arms across her chest. She knew it was childish and could only imagine what Olivia thought of her right now. "Whatever." She muttered.

Olivia left the room with slumped shoulders.

The second the door closed, Amanda screamed at the top of her lungs and threw everything that was on her tray to the floor.

She was so done and so over everything, she hurt the woman who cared about her the most. She deserved to die and that was that.


End file.
